So its 8:30pm on Friday 27th March, 2015. I had just given birth to my first child Leilani and was laying in my hospital bed; exhausted, battered and bruised after a tumultuous and very LONG birth which resulted in a rapid C-Section.
I couldn’t even tell you the emotional state I was in at that point, but I can honestly and bravely admit that it didn’t resemble the rosy, elated and joyful feeling that so many ‘experienced mothers’ had told me I would encounter.
However, in that moment, I do have the most vivid memory that completely changed the course of my life going forward.
After being ambushed (I use that term in cheek) by 2 incredible (and very focused) mid wives who were on a mission to ‘clean me up’, I remember feeling numb to the sensation of ‘ absolute overwhelm’. The surgery, the fatigue, the fear and the blatant concept that I was a mother..for the rest of my life!
I turned my head to the right to get a really good look of the miracle that was little Leilani, and there she was, laying on her left side with her dark, vibrant eyes WIDE open, beaming straight into my soul.
“Have you got me mum?”
“Are you ready?”
“I love you with all of my heart”
“I need you”
“Don’t F@&$ this up OK!”
And YES, I DO believe, those were the questions that I heard in that moment…my response…Oh my lord…what have I done!!!!
The other question I pondered was…..”how on earth can a 3 hour old baby have so much damn eye focus, shouldn’t see be sleeping peacefully?!”
Personal Growth and Development were always on my agenda, particularly given my colourful youth and 20’s, but NOTHING kicked me into first gear of really ‘sorting through my demons and challenges’ like that moment.
Alas the journey commenced; the one of Self Discovery – Self Awareness – Transformation – and finding my inner Peace.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change” Brene Brown.
No longer do I question the outcomes in my life – I create them.
No longer do I get caught up in the habitual behaviours and conditioning that dominated my world for so many years – I have the awareness to know better, I chose to be different.
No longer do I wish for things to look, feel and smell differently – I only surround myself with things that I enjoy and deserve.
No longer do I move about my day without awareness of ‘how I show up’ in EVERY moment – I take responsibility for my energy and my language (for the most part..I am human!)
No longer do I question my worth and what I am capable of – I embrace and unleash ALL of my potential every single day, with pride.
But most importantly: I show up for my children from an absolute place of truth; allowing them to see ALL of me. And I acknowledge and respect that MY limiting beliefs, MY challenges and MY fearful choices are not there’s to wear, own or believe through observation, so I do something about them!
I am by no means perfect (NO MEANS) and YES I absolutely DO continue to make mistakes and revisit patterns that create outcomes I do not want….again I am human and this is a lifetime of work. However, I can honestly say, from the most genuine, wholehearted place, that for the past 5.5 years of committed SELF-exploration, doing the work and learning WHO I AM and HOW I want to show up in this lifetime, I have found an INNER peace and happiness that I didn’t even know was possible.
It wasn’t gained from a relationship, experience or successful business transaction…it came from within.